Reflecting on Rachel Getting Married

I just watched the movie Rachel Getting Married with Anne Hathaway. She is one of my favorite actresses & she is why I decided to watch this particular film. I had no idea what it was about. It made me cry... for several reasons. Technically speaking, every scene went on too long & if you aren't paying close attention you will miss things. The volume control was horrid. I liked how it was filmed to resemble a home movie almost. The camera was never shaky per say but the angles used & the way it followed the characters was intriguing but came off a bit unprofessional looking in spots. As an actress Anne Hathaway blew me away! I've seen all of her films to date & this was completely different from her usual, younger audience friendly, films.

Anne plays a young adult who gets out of rehab the day before her sister's wedding. *SPOILER ALERT* You later find out she accidentally caused the death of her younger brother. I've never killed anyone literally but some times I wonder if I accidentally influenced how my younger sister has turned out. We've never been friends & I regret that but I don't know how to deal with it at this point in our lives. As an older sister I didn't set a very good example. I started having sex as a young teen, I stayed with an abusive boy friend for several years, I got pregnant my senior year of high school (thankfully I got lucky I was with my now husband), I've attempted to hold jobs & get a college degree & failed on both counts, & I can still remember our first big fight when I told her she was an accident my mom found out about when she was going to the doc to get fixed.

Why? Why was I always so hateful to her? Maybe I was jealous because back then she seemed to have everything I didn't. I've always had major medical problems that prevented me from doing so many things that she excelled at. Maybe its just our age difference? Maybe... I don't know. I wish I could talk to her about this but right now she is only 20 (I'm 26) & she is just not mentally capable of handling the real world. I'm not just saying that because of her age but because of how well I know her. Her son, Tanner, is a year older than my youngest. Tanner just turned 4 a few weeks ago. My daughter Kaliana will turn 3 in August.

The younger brother in the movie dies at age 2. Part of me fears for my babies every other minute & every other minute I regret the choices I made that brought them into my life. Of course now that they are here I would never give them up & I love them dearly but what if I had made different choices? My husband tells me not to what if. That is hard for me. I've seen so many young lives snuffed out for no good reason. I've been through so much crap & dealt with so much. Like Anne's character in the movie I have to wonder about God. In fact I wonder about him for a lot of reasons. Part of me has to wonder if he even exists but part of me always says thank you when something good happens.

Maybe I'm a hypocrite but this certainly wouldn't be the first issue I've had multiple opinions on. I try to be open minded, understanding, & such but its hard. Lately its like 1 step forward, 5 back. My husband got temporarily laid off for at least the next week today due to lack of work. He will get 1/2 of his normal salary from unemployment but as it is we are already having trouble paying our bills & have no emergency funds, savings, or extra. My parents having been helping us but they almost completely support my sister & her son who live with them. I am sick of being a burden to my loved ones. My husband told me the other day one of the things he loves about me is how I always find a way to make things work out no matter what. I'm not sure I know how to do that this time but I refuse to give up trying even if it means doing certain things I'm not proud of.

I was the kid who always said I'd never work at McDonalds, that was for losers. Guess who got fired because she wasn't fast enough? I was the kid who would never live in a trailer, only white trash did that. Guess who has lived in a 1977 single wide for the last 8 years? Jobs I can physically do & make any money at are scarce because I have a medical lifting restriction. I've swallowed my pride again & again to make sure my family had want it needed & sometimes what it wanted. I'm not complaining about the bad in my life. That would be typical & anyone who knows me well knows that I'm anything but normal. I like to focus on the positive things in every situation but its just hard right now. I haven't cried like this for a long time. Not since my grandma passed away. She was the glue that held my extended family, my aunts, uncles, cousins, & such, together. After she died I felt so lost. She used to tell me that God is always looking out for me no matter what. I hope she was right.

Another trait Anne's character & I share seems to be the inability to shut our mouths & keep our thoughts to ourselves. I never seem to know when to shut up & tend to annoy people. I'm sorry for that & I'm trying to change. It seems like I've been working on myself for long time. When I met my husband I was lost back then too. In fact two days before we met I'd made my second suicide attempt & overdosed on the worthless anti-depressant I was on at the time. Everyone just assumed I was sick with a nasty bug for a few days. I was a very good liar back then. It took so many of those early years of our relationship to even realize what my issues were. He had his share of issues too. We've worked together on all those issues. I've been lucky, unlike Anne's character, to have a supportive person who has been there for me at my worst & my best.

Recently I saw a specialist, the top specialist in the world, regarding my rare disorder that causes the main portion of my health problems. She introduced me to two new medications I have to take every six hours or so to control the most annoy things caused by the disorder & they are helping me. Ironically one of the medications I am taking because of one of the side effects is an anti-depressant called Amitriptyline & is only used in very small doses normally. It is used to treat major depression according to my doc, my pharmacist, & my friend and favorite nurse (Sarah May). Now, I've tried tons of anti-depression drugs before & have never had one help at all but have had several make me worse so I was almost afraid to try it. I'm glad I did. I feel so... balanced. I don't feel depressed or manic ALL the time. I feel so... content, emotionally. I can still become sad or happy but I no longer get dragged to the extreme of either. I still feel rage but part of that is my temper & part of that is the fact the outside temperature here hasn't gone below 78 for weeks. Heat makes just about anyone crazy I think.

I know that in some cases pills aren't the answer but in mine I think it is. I've taken the wrong ones for soooooo many years I should be a poster child for medical misdiagnoses. However people in my family respond well to the proper medications. My 8yo son for instance. He inherited ADHD from his father (my husband) & my younger (although much taller) brother. Without his medication he cannot function. He can't focus, concentrate, even do the simplest things. With help from his pediatrician we've finally found the dose of meds that makes him stable. Which brings me to another lovely point.

We live in a trailer court. Today my landlord called to let me know our mailman has been suspended & is under investigation for stealing people's mail & possibly using checks/bills people have sent out to access their checking accounts. So its no wonder my lot rent hasn't been getting to the landlord. Huh. Well today our post master, our old mail man's supervisor was going door to door making sure people got their mail from the last week. In my stack of bills & junk mail was a letter informing me I needed to reapply for the children's health insurance by today's date or it would be canceled. To re-apply you have to have at least 4 paycheck stubs from anyone in the home who works. My husband works over an hour away & I didn't have the gas to go get those stubs. So guess what I get to deal with tomorrow? (Technically later today since its now 4:02am.) On a similar note with my husband being temporarily laid off atm there is a very good chance that could stretch out longer. If it lasts too long our health insurance becomes null & void. Lovely.

Now since I like to try to end my blogs on a positive note. My husband just finished reapplying to go back to school & qualifies for a partial scholarship. Hurray! My 8yo son beat Halo on his own for the first time a few days ago & not on the easiest level either. My 2yo daughter brings me much needed laughter, smiles, & hugs each day. When I think about the very basic things in my life I am one of the luckiest people I know. I have an amazing family, a roof over my head, food to eat, & love. Remember that even at life's worst if you look around you can always find a reason to smile.

A girl's gotta stay busy.

So I managed to over do it once again & pulled some muscles in my neck/shoulder area. A friend who is a doc stopped by on her way home to check on me just in case. She told me to alternate between a heat pack & an ice pack & to take it easy. Well duh. Although in my case a reminder is welcome. I forget to easily just how much I do every day because no one else seems to notice very often.

As a stay at home mom of an 8yo boy w/ adhd, & a 2yo girl who is exceptionally bright & creative but possibly slightly autistic, I stay pretty busy just being Mom. However I also make/sell wire/chain maille style jewelry http://craftymama.deviantart.com/ , sew, write, sketch http://craftymama2.deviantart.com/, and do pretty much anything else that needs to be done including removing mice, checking for robbers, baby sitting, and more for a family friends, & neighbors. Needless to say you'd think I'd pass out once I get the kiddos to bed every night. Instead my mind doesn't quit so neither do I. I figure if I'm going to be awake I might as well get stuff done.

Of course on top of all that I'm still expected to do almost all the house work, minus things like taking out the trash. *rolls eyes* Unfortunately I generally let those things slide a bit & give preference to my art but thankfully I have a very tolerant husband, lol. Not to say I don't put up with plenty from him too but thats another blog entry entirely, hehe.

My son & hubby both have adhd which has been a bit of a challenge but we're working on it. My daughter is so young none of the pediatricians will test her for anything yet. I however have been around children of all ages my whole life & can usually tell if a child has special needs. Its not hard to spot if you pay attention. In addition to all that I have a rare disorder of my own (you can ask about it if you want. I don't mind sharing.) It has been a challenge but it has prepared me for taking care of my own family & their special needs & for that I am thankful. However dealing with everyone's needs just adds more for me to do so if I ever seem a bit off or eccentric sorry but I've got a million things on the brain.


Esh. I'm babbling huh? Sorry. This is my first real blog entry & I'm not sure what to write atm. The next one will be more interesting. I just felt the need to explain in more than 140 characters how I hurt my shoulder, lol. ^_~

Grammar say what?

Here is a sentence I'm trying to write but it isn't coming out properly. Help please! Lol. Kieran is one of the story's main characters. He has chin length raven black hair streaked with silver at the temples. The character the sentence is describing has hair the same length but it is a lighter shade of black, almost a dark, dark brown/black mix. Should I keep it that way or should I just make things easier & change his hair color? XD Thanks in advance for your help!

A tall, impossibly pale man with hair cut to his chin just like Kieran’s but lighter leaned against the wall for a moment before walking up next to Kieran’s chair.

Girls just wanna have fun... *sings off key*

@Crafty_mama_2: Why is it when a gal is single u could throw urself at guys & get ignored but when ur in a relationship guys come out like ants at a picnic?


@In10tionologist That is so true. I have no idea why. LOL It's like it's easier to get a job when you already have one. Same concept.

@Sharlendoble: Because men want someone who they don't have to commit to.


Great answers girls!

I need more feedback! Comments are welcome!

Computer affairs

@scottk75 ~ The wife is finally home.

@Crafty_mama ~ The wife, dun dun dun. XD You are funny w/out trying dear.

@scottk75 ~ she says Twitter is my other wife. LOL bless her

@Crafty_mama ~ I hear you there. According to my hubby I've been having an affair with the computer for years.

@scottk75 ~ my computer usage was in my vows.